The Dilemma of the Alpha Female, Or, The Inadvertent Slow Cowing Of the Modern Male
August 26, 2009 by Andrea J. Lee
Filed under Beyond..., Personal, Requests for Help
It's not easy being alpha female.
Long-time readers may recall that about 2 years ago, I became very interested in this particular idea set. I retreated for 10 days. I wrote. I gathered evidence in color-coded folders; I even pitched it to editors and secured real interest. And spoke publicly – personally! vulnerably! – on a call focused on thought leadership, citing it as THE project in my life that was scaring the bejeezus out of me. (Is that how you spell bejeezus??)
At various times, the work was called ‘The Dilemma of the Alpha Female’ and ‘Your Husband Wants His Pants Back’ but probably my favorite non-contender was ‘Stop Stepping On His Balls.’ Oh, the look on the face of the book consultant as I threw around cover art concepts of stiletto heels and artfully placed diamonds the size of golf balls.
Of course, what happened next was a perfect illustration of the concepts themselves.
(1) I grew confident and excited.
(2) I talked with my husband Mike about it, and though he was very supportive, started feeling concern that this might not be the greatest thing for our relationship.
(3) I grew confused. Into this confusion, clarity about other more mundane projects shone like light in a dark, messy tunnel. My file folder on ‘the Pants book’ followed the laws of gravity to the bottom of the project pile.
The dilemma was, is - and armed with data from a career coaching strong, successful women, close observer to even more – the same, and stumping oh so many of us:
How do you play full out, riding that spiking arrow of testosterone high and to the right, glorying in all the alphaness of it, while balancing:
- Your own essential femaleness. Not everyone has an inner trembling flower, but you might be surprised how intricate it can be to switch from driver, visionary, producer to… receiver, observer, passenger.
- Testosterone, other than your own, that you want in your life. One look at the landscape tells much – how many women do you know who have difficulty finding a Man? Whether you have a friend in that category or someone you admire in that category, you know what I mean.
- The inevitable anger and self-hatred, likely largely unexpressed, at living this dilemma every day, every goddamned day, with not a clue what to do about it.
How does this dance between male and female energy – sometimes bubbling under the surface, sometimes spraying out, ugly and ferocious – play out? What does the music even sound like? How do we find a soundtrack we like, and play it, enchantingly, entrancingly, each day? This is the dilemma.
Here’s a segment of the little ‘blurbey’ that got the attention of editors at the Maui Writer’s Conference that year:
Have you ever wondered why your husband rarely initiates a romantic encounter anymore? Or when he’ll start earning some ‘real’ money so you can stop buying your own anniversary gifts, and taking yourself out to dinner? Are you exhausted all the time being the man AND the woman in your relationship?
Where is the hunka-hunka burnin’ love you fell for in the first place?
Enough. It’s time to sort out how to give those pants back to their rightful owner.
After years of helping successful career women coax their husbands out of their hiding places, professional coach Andrea Lee blows the whistle on the emasculated state of too many modern marriages. Without meaning to, modern women have ‘come a long way, baby’ and then gone way too far.
In trying to be our best selves, we have undermined our husbands. Inadvertently, alright, but that’s not the point. They in turn, are mighty tired of walking on eggshells for this superwoman who insists on changing her own lightbulbs, along with everything else in her wake. With no defined role for our men to play, is it any wonder our lives of quiet desperation have started screaming at us to stop?
Your Husband Wants His Pants Back reveals:
- Exactly how to leave ‘The Witch’ behind, without turning into June Cleaver. (No offense, June.)
- Startling facts about your man, including when he’d LIKE to talk about his feelings.
- How to reclaim your life as a loving woman without wilting into overcompliancy.
- What only you AND your man, together, can create, other than or in addition to children, that no other couple could.
- The simple daily exercises you can use to achieve the above!Here’s the deal: You can be pro-man without betraying the sisterhood. In fact, join the sisterhood generation that claims a new definition of happiness for modern women – and their men.
Interestingly, after letting the project find its own way in the wilderness awhile, another theme emerged. To continue the music analogy, you could call this a harmonic strain, or counterpoint to the tune I’d been singing. Into the mix emerged the topic of a ‘Husband University’ where Mike could put forward his arsenal of wisdom on ‘how to live and love an alpha female.’ It was like a juicy and empowering supercarrot, reward for his investment into what is now a fairly evolved yet untraditional male-female dynamic, or so our friends tell us. Maybe there was a(nother) reason he stuck through ‘all that.’
Like melodies and harmonies do, the two topics faded in and out, curling after one another with pauses for summer, lake-swimming, blackberry-picking, and the general enjoyment of each other and life.
Cue the fall of 2009. Okay it’s not quite September yet, but my inner calendar tends to run about 7 days ahead (I couldn’t find the warranty so I haven’t had it fixed.) Now…now…this topic wants to sing.
Of course, the question becomes, does anyone want to hear it?!
If a blog post is written in a forest, and no one comments, does the project have legs?
Here are the questions I like to ask, myself and clients, at this juncture in project creation:
In a noisy world, would this project represent tangible value to the world, my market/tribe/peeps, and me? How tangible? How helpful to others? How much good could it generate?
In a noisy world of many experts, is this something that only I can do, quite this way, again, valuably? What makes this the project I must do?
In a noisy world of so much information, does this work represent enough of an evolution, innovation, or departure from the crowded masses of clotted thought, to bother?
As a recovering alpha female with yet another dilemma, I’d love your help deciding. I know what I’d do, without consulting you. But, why would I not consult you?! If there’s enough interest, I’ll up the ante and post the Table of Contents for the book in its raw, uncut glory, the better for you to pick apart.
This is me doing my best impersonation of a modern alpha female, eager to receive and follow, your wise and soulful guidance. From the heart of one creator to another, thank you.
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Want to share this article with a fellow Alpha Female, and contribute to ahas of recognition and sighs of relief being heard around the world? The message needs your help! Here’s a great short link to just this post on this blog:
And if you have other requests for reprints, I’m all ears. Email me at andrea at andreajlee dot com. Thanks, guys.
