The Alpha Female Dilemma In Video | “Your Honor, I present exhibit A” (I’m embarrassed by this…)
One of the ways in which I try to support more critical thinking in the world is through the reverse dissection of things.
Have you ever looked at something and asked what does that say, beyond the obvious?
For those of you who’ve already participated in the ‘Being Alpha Female’ discussion, I’m very curious for your thoughts here, especially since there’s definitely a contingent of folk beating the ‘There’s nothing wrong with being alpha female!” drum. If you’re new to the discussion, this is an interesting place to start.
The tiny video below is from a popular web service that sells photos, illustrations, audio and video. It doesn’t matter what the site name is, they’re ‘just’ the messenger, and I love their service actually. But take a moment if you would, to note that the existence of this video – and others like it (quite a few others like it) – are available as part of a field of thousands of things depicting kids blowing bubbles, sweet couples necking on park benches, and lots of other stuff.
This video is included among that field of ‘representations of life.’ As normal. Unremarkable. Something many people might like to use on their websites.
(Click the image to play. This may take a few moments.)
Alright…rant alert. (I’ll try to keep the exclamation marks to a minimum, so if you would, please help by reading with intensity.)
Is it just me, or is this video just wrong?? (I didn’t say anything about question marks!)
Scratch that, I know it’s not just me. It’s wrong.
That it exists. That what it depicts is so endemic to ‘the way things are’ and ‘what’s acceptable’ that it goes unremarked, and not only that but paid for and downloaded by numerous people for use in goodness knows what.
May I ask you…what is the equivalent video, in your mind, with gender roles reversed? Would that be condoned, and sold, openly, as if okay? You know, for 15 credits, worth about $15? Would you be outraged at THAT?
Truly, I shiver at the existence of this. And, I attest, it’s the kind of thing that puts ants in my err, pants, and makes me want to say more, converse more, and get more productive, loving and large-hearted about what we can do about it.
That’s what the whole Dilemma of Being Alpha Female conversation is about – empowerment to recognize the changes around us, the courage to look for a third way, and belief enough to pursue it.
Is it just me, or are you embarrassed about this, too?
P.S. More posts to come, addressing the more delicate, sensitive and highly personal nature of the dilemma women are living as unwitting alpha females. And, some specifics, including promised table of contents stuff.
Andrea, you’re just hell bent on opening up this can of worms aren’t you? LOL
The video is not wrong. It’s horrifying for sure but it does represent something very real, and something that’s been true as far back as the days when we worshiped the Great Mother. Women are powerful and men are in awe of women. In our current cultural climate that awe often translates into fear, and strong women are disgusted by the fear.
When I was working as a psychotherapist, I never once worked with a couple where this dynamic wasn’t in play in some way. Not once.
This is such a complicated issue, and can often feel like a house of mirrors when you begin to delve into the psyches of both men and women. There is so much distortion in our perceptions of each other, it’s hard not to feel despair about ever bridging the divide.
I also believe this is the work of our time. We’ve been through the matriarchy, then the patriarchy. What’s being called forth now is to bring the masculine and feminine together in equal partnership. Needless to say, we have a ways to go.
It’s interesting that this is so up for you right now. Carl Jung said that we spend the first half of life identifying with our primary physical gender and the second half of life (after 40) integrating the opposite. That’s where the real work is…within our own psyches. The cultural manifestations are merely a reflection of our internal integration (or lack thereof) of masculine and feminine. As long as we try to address this as just an issue between men and women we miss the point, and we miss the opportunity to heal it.
When Susan says that “strong women are disgusted by the fear,” I can relate. (C’mon, we all know that nothing shuts down the female libido like a man who is cowed by a woman’s emotions.)
However, that said, it’s not right (IMHO) to leverage that fear to achieve our own end as a women. There is a very real danger of the pendulum swinging back toward matriarchy – at least insofar as our interpersonal relationships with men go. There’s this man-hating movement happening that is no longer terribly subversive but instead celebrated like a national sport. Thus the video.
At one time I actually thought Kate Gosselin was my cohort with her opinionated, unapologetic ways. But as their marriage started to crumble I started to see her differently. She’s an angry woman who would rather step on the father of her children than validate his position, a position she feels ever threatened by, due in no small part BECAUSE he is a man.
“Stand with me or stand against me” is what she said to Jon in one episode.
Her words were a more poignant statement about this widening chasm than I’m sure she realized.
Hey S Fuller, gr8 to have you in here…
Well, I wouldn’t say HELL is where I’m hoping to go with this, exactly! And, I think this ‘can of worms’ as you put it is really opening itself up – from the inside, if you know what I mean. Thanks for acknowledging the complexity and mirrored inmixedness of the conversation. I agree that it’s all about the inner journey.
Great discussion. I see a chasm between women who still gather in circles consisting of “overcoming our victim state” and women who have stepped beyond. I think this video resonates more strongly with those in the chrysalis state, just waiting to emerge-knowing that owning their own power and beauty is on the other side. The frequency of this video demonstrates the enormous number of women who are in that state.
It makes me cringe. If it were 1975 and the roles were reversed, women would be outraged. By the way, does this video have audio? I couldn’t hear any, so I am basing my comment on just the video portion.
It doesn’t have audio, Barbra…
I think quite a few of us would be outraged even today. Then again, I likely have a rather sensitive meter of this kind of thing.
Terrific reference to Kate and John plus Eight, thanks Karri!
I find it odd. I mean I don’t really get it in a business reference. I don’t think men in business are weak. They stand tall and strong and I guess it’s the two in business suits that’s throwing me off.
I can see it more in reference to a John & Kate situation, where the woman is controlling and overpowering and the man just gives in to keep the peace.
I really don’t see where in the world this video would be used, some crazy men hating club.
I’m a women working in a historically highly male-dominated career field (law enforcement) and have spent my entire career attempting to *obey* the unwritten rules: Be more competent in every area because then they will respect me, but only let the competence out in small measures because then they will resent me. Speak up enough to be heard, but be sensitive about my tone. Let the men have their “tribal” meetings in the break room, but be sociable enough that I’m not perceived as standoffish. Don’t be a b*tch, don’t complain, don’t question the status quo too much, “let” them believe that they are powerful while doing an end run to get things accomplished. Ad nauseaum.
As a relative pioneer in this field in my region, it was very important to me to pave the way carefully, so that other women might have a chance to even enter the job. Because of my efforts, I was told by a colleague not long ago, “Before you came along, we didn’t want to work with women, but if they are going to be like you, we need to bring some more on.” Sounds like a Neanderthal, right? Sadly, the norm, not the exception here.
Ugh.
So the goal is to play nice…right…wink!
This isn’t a play nice issue. Sure like Susan suggests this is a complex topic. Still, I would offer that it’s only complex because BOTH SIDES, MEN AND WOMEN, are to DAMN AFRAID to give an inch.
When I see a video of a daughter who is out late being stoned and kicked and dragged by a mob of (I don’t even have the words) supposed men all in the name of family honor I say on the one hand why shouldn’t women feel like this.
I don’t have a problem as a guy saying damn she is frickn hot and yes my imagination my even run abit. This is nature, women have the same feelings and expereinces and to say otherwise is an out an out lie. Both are sexually driven, maybe not in the same way, still, sex is key part of our make up.
I as a man do not like or enjoy having to deal with a whimpy woman or man or even myself when I am in a whimpy state. Can you tell me that you are any different?
Anyone who has been controlled, demeaned, abused, tortured, etc. (man or woman) when fighting to break free of everything and I mean everything the verbal attacks, the physical attacks, the default attitudes of a numb society and GENDER JERKS (man or woman) will naturally go to the other extreme. To not do so is to accept the status quo.
The tragedy is when this extreme behavior AN REACTION is somehow becomes a default as in doing that same person become the same that they are in turn seeking to break free from.
As coaches the BIGGER discussion is not whether or not this right or wrong…it is how can we and are we willing to (in the middle of our own emotional tension) facilitate and empower a dialog that simply allows people to be where they are and to offer a window opportunity both in example and thought to a new possibility.
That new possibility is not one of equality, rather it is one of freedom. Be you a man or a woman, a mom or dad, working or not, knowing that you as you are degreed or not hold value and that I will choose to see that value first and to embrace that which strengthens US!
When someone is mad why shouldn’t they rant?
If someone’s vocabulary is filled with color f’n this and f”n that, can you and I look beyond that and see a person?
THANK GOD or GOODNESS or the UNIVERSE…whatever trips your trigger…for women FIGHTING BACK!
It’s uncomfortable as hell as it should be because now both men and women must face a new definition a new way of being as man and woman, as man and man, as woman and woman and I don’t care how you read that thought…that’s on you, handle it.
Freedom is about people being responsible for their own crap and not blaming others for it.
Freedom is about people allowing people to deal with their crap even when it’s a pain in the ass.
This can of worms as Susan calls it isn’t just about women, it’s about healing, it’s about finding peace, it’s about learning what it means to coexist as men and women and it’s about learning to appreciate one another even when we don’t fit into the normals or what you and I call typical.
It’s time to flush judgment.
It’s time to start embracing the hurt, the pain and the confusion that Andrea speaks of so eloquently as she dances with her thoughts and experiences.
The biggest challenge I see is that we are on the edge, in this discussion, of a change that is going to impact us as a society a change that we simply can’t ignore…as we hear terms like friends with benefits, cougars and so on. It’s about personal freedom.
So, if a woman finds herself identifying with the video Andrea shares then thats for her to notice, to celebrate and to decide whether or not she wants to face it…she doesn’t have to face it…she can continue to be angry, hurt and so on. We don’t all heal in the same way, at the same length of time.
The lie is that you or I might say I’m not hurt, I don’t have resentment or anger, there is nothing for me to heal. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t carry something internally that influences how the interact with others. Even interacting on a “POSITIVE WAY” can infact be influenced by the avoidance of pain or hurt.
Allowing people to feel, to be afraid, to fear, to find their strength requires courage. Someone who despises another for showing fear might very well want to stop and ask “have I ever felt or acted that way?” Remember we are more alike than we are different and far to often it is the alikeness that we hate when we come face-to-face with it.
Rant over…James
To the sound of the “it’s great to be an Alpha female” drum, I say:
The video makes me cringe big time. Two fingers down the throat!
(In my books:) She is NOT an Alpha Female… she is (behaving like) a Bitch.
(Just like if the genders were reversed, he’d not be a Man but a Bully.)
At my Alpha best I feel strong, powerful, competent, successful, loving, creative decisive, supporting…, empowering! A leader, a lover, a doer, a respecter of others.
On bad days, when I feel weak or overwhelmed or self-loathing or ________ (fill in the blank; pick any insecurity), and someone (not only my soul mate) crosses me, I just may lash out and be less than the respectful human I’d like to be. Such immature behaviour born from weakness is not acceptable to me (although in reality more often than not probably forgivable – I’m not the woman in the video).
As a human being with no small measure of personal power, my goal is not to emulate the leader of a pack of wolves. Nor am I interested to yield power OVER someone (male or female) to make them feel small. I aspire to a much loftier ideal of a woman, person, human being. It’s Alpha, all right, but that is a power with human/social responsibility.
Don’t misunderstand. I recognize perfectly well the experience of JB. Thousands (millions?) of women through the ages, perhaps more in the last half century, have had to deal with social standards that generally demean and downgrade women’s positive power. Fighting those standards is what I have actively engaged in since I was a teenager. I have my own battle scars.
But there has never been a “dilemma” for me. I don’t believe I’ve ever chosen to diminish the exertion of my own personal power to coddle someone else’s low self-esteem. I was/am more interested in becoming the best I can be and while on that journey, helping to empower as many others as I could/can by removing/softening/redefining the social and personal obstacles.
So again I ask, what really IS the Alpha Female? A woman with raw power regardless of how it is yielded? Or can we define her differently… and sort out what works and what doesn’t in our quest for personal growth? And then look at how that power plays out with other personalities, less active or decisive or whatever, and in a culture that talks but doesn’t always walk the story of equality between the sexes.
Off to play my drums…
I was afraid of this, Andrea (nods head sagely then shakes side to side).
This is why on the other related post I commented I thought you need to think in terms of ‘Alpha people’ rather than ‘Alpha females’ – sure make the project about women but try to leave the gender thing out of your thinking. What the video shows is a gender-biased issue based on social programming that doesn’t really have anything to do with Alpha females at all. In fact the women who behave that way are bitter failures who have lack of power issues and have a victim who keeps turning up to play punchbag – I know, I used to be one.
If you examine the traits of Alpha people you’ll find their gender makes little difference. I take on board the commentator who talks about working in a male environment – I work in an environment with 70% women (1600 employees and 50’000 students) and I’ve had my own experience of prejudice (I’ve been ‘glass ceilinged’ by male bosses who prefer to have female colleagues and I’ve also had female HR managers determined I wasn’t going to get jobs they wanted to see female colleagues getting.
I’m afraid as I watched the video I realised it depicts my personal experience of women in my personal life from the age of 7. My mother used to beat my father up (she was ex-army and I once watched her kick a locked door off its hinges to get to him). They split up and she spent my younger years convincing me of what a loser he was; later in life she started on me with her fists.
I got married at 19 to a ‘wonderful woman’ who as soon as she got pregnant dumped me. I managed to convince her to get back together for the child’s sake and 13 years later we had four children and after the fourth she told me it was time I started seeing other women (I assume the reason was she wanted to see other men).
I told her this wasn’t what I’d signed up for and a week before I left she admitted she regarded me as nothing more than a sperm donor throughout the marriage and hadn’t told me because she felt sorry for me. If you think this kind of treatment of men is unusual these days I can tell you it’s not.
I’ve done a bit of dating and would say about 70% of first time dates start with the very first line being an insult or a demand to know what kind of car I drive. What kind of person I am is irrelevant to most female daters. Men are ten a penny in a woman’s world. One woman at a speed dating event actually said to me ‘if you enter into a relationship with me I will dominate you’ and I replied with a quip about finally finding an honest dominatrix.
This kind of cultural issue is what’s depicted in the video, am I right? It has nothing to do with ‘Alpha Women’ so I think you need to separate things such as this video off from your thinking about what an Alpha Woman is. I doubt very much this kind of woman is abusive.
There are Alpha Women who are lovely for men to be around and there are Alpha Women who do a Jekyll and Hyde act .
Don’t be embarrassed by the video – it doesn’t relate to your kind of woman; does it? The embarrassment means it’s not who you are or wish to be. Is this an indicator that you need to further clarify the criteria that make up an Alpha Woman?