Personal Rituals and the Meaning they give our lives and businesses…
My husband is about to turn 40 in a couple of months and I’m excited that he’s embracing the idea of making something of it. We’ll book two weeks off and see what plane ticket grabs his fancy the week before, at a crazy discount (a pleasure in and of itself) and just go.
Which brings me around to the idea of personal rituals, marking occasions and, well, marking territory – whether that’s physical territory as in land, or personal territory as in season’s in a person’s life.
You may be surprised to know I went through High School with Bible teachings and although that influence fades with the years, this tidbit abides: “For everything there is a season…” As the seasons in life pass, or the chapters in your business go by, how are you marking them, if at all?
I think we’ve become lousy at personal rituals. We’ve lost touch with how to imbue something with meaning this way… (Does a Christmas Tree ritual mean terribly much to anyone anymore, just for one example?)
Now I agree that meaning doesn’t just come in peak moments of celebration. We have the opportunity to create meaning every day. But I’m particularly curious right now about personal rituals that celebrate occasions.
As you may know, I recently got back from a two-week business trip…the longest I’ve been away from home ever, ever ever. Along the way, I was fully committed, and at the same time kept holding the question: “Why am I doing this?” I wanted to examine my commitment to the trip, and my work, in contrast to my commitment to family. Based on how the trip went, I was going to be making some decisions about how much I was willing to travel for business in future.
So after getting home, I looked in the mirror and asked myself a few questions. (Was I able to serve well by being away from home? How present was I able to be over that lengthy period of time? What gifts did we receive on the home front, as a result of my absence?) And I made some mental notes about what I believe has changed, for me, this time around. The result? Quite a lot has changed for me, from the inside-out.
And although I didn’t set out to do this, later that day I walked into a henna parlour where you can have mendhi applied – temporary tattoos in the Indian tradition. You can see the two photos I had Mike take when I got home; I had quite a bit done on my neck, chest and left arm.
The smell of mendhi is really unique, as are the finished designs, but the tattoos themselves are fleeting – they’re mostly gone now, two weeks later. But they helped me anchor, in a physical way, the learnings I’ve been collecting lately. Things can be easy; exactly how I am, adds value; lightness always wins, etc.
As for meaninfulness for me, it didn’t have hurt that the design on my left hand ended up looking like one of two things…a whole string of commas encircling my arm, for one. I’d been talking about ‘pausing’ more in my life…now look at these commas!
The other thing the design looked like was probably too personal to spill outright, even for this candid space. But it’s about as significant and definitely life-affirming! 
Isn’t it cool when the Universe winks at us?
Did you know that when a Japanese woman shows up at work with a dramatically changed haircut, the rest of the workplace knows something big has happened in her life? Maybe a breakup with a significant other, or the death of someone in the family, or a big new commitment?
You probably know that many cultures bless a house before you move in, whether that’s by burning sage of throwing beans or something else…
Whether you consider yourself ‘religious’ or not, does pausing before eating mean something to you?
My 36th is coming up so maybe I’ll go get some leg mendhi…this painting of my body gives me an awareness that’s perfect, I sense, for where I am in life – and helps anchor me in the present moment. I know I’ll never forget the first time I had it done, after the first Power of Collaboration Conference in New York City…a turning point in all I’m being, doing and having, to be sure.
How do you mark the passing of things in your life and business and why? How could cultivating a few personal rituals enrich the day-to-day in your business? If you find yourself adrift in life without many personal rituals to speak of, how can you cultivate some? Through prayer? Through a weekly habit? Personal care?
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From ‘The Little Prince’ by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:
“It would have been better to come back at the same hour,” said the fox. “If, for example, you come at four o’clock in the afternoon, then at three o’clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o’clock I shall already be worrying and jumping about. [...]
But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you…one must observe the proper rites…”
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Addendum: June 5, 2006
Using the above as a starting point, in what ways do you as a business owner provide clients with an opportunity to create a ritual around what you offer?
The most interesting businesses, in my opinion, give people a stronger richer sense of themselves. Or at least provide the opportunity for this to happen.
Starbucks is without doubt a ‘ritual’ …does this contribute to its success?
Curves has made a new ‘ritual’ out of working out, for women …it’s a social ritual. Can you see it?
Great membership sites such as Thomas Leonard’s CoachVille created rituals galore, that people immediately and intimately became attached to…receiving R&D memos, for example.
American Idol is now an annual watching ritual. What other businesses that center around this idea can you think of? How do some businesses help create meaning in people’s lives, and others not?
Businesses that provide their clients the opportunity to create a habit are the ones most viscerally missed when they’re gone, as well, ever noticed that?
What can we learn about how to create what matters in our businesses, for us and our clients?
“The Little Prince” was given to me by my first mentor when I was 13, and it has been a touchstone for me every since. One of my personal rituals is to re-read it when called to – I can’t exactly describe the “why” to the “when” – it’s more of a pull, a need…
So, I was delighted to see it quoted in Money, Meaning, and Beyond, and once again here. It’s a reminder to me that I’m in the right place.
Another personal ritual I have is with my journals. I’ve been writing for years and have about 25 or so now… and the cover of each depicts where I was in my life while I was writing. For example, when I was going through some major transitions, personally and professionally, I know
that the journal with the red-haired women looking at a reflection of herself in a mirror, is where I collected my thoughts and feelings of that tumultuous time.
You mention music – like the “evolution of dance” video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg) where I could literally see my life flash before my eyes, there is a music anchor for each chapter of my life. There’s one song right now that I even changed my cell phone ringtone to…
To mark my business milestones, my rituals have been to invest in that Coach briefcase I coveted for years but wouldn’t allow myself to indulge in until I was at least making my age in salary…
Or to celebrate with my husband over a nice dinner with a good bottle of wine. Or to take some time to reflect on it while away on a retreat somewhere by the sea.
In my personal life, I’m known to mark big and small occasions for others, usually to their surprise and delight, and sometimes bewilderment…
But why not? So much of what we do is deserving of at least a small tip of the hat, isn’t it?
cheers,
~ A
This is a beautiful post. It reminded me to incorporate rituals back into my life and into my business.
What is my ritual of celebrating my successes?
What is my ritual of creating course corrections in my business?
http://www.billbaren.com/blog/
I love the new look. Thank you for this post. I love reading your personal process in grounding not only the work but also your self.
Wonder-filled.
I love the new book it’s so you, your voice and the power of your presence just resonates through it. Andrea you are a gift!!! Rituals create meaning in our life and this post just brings that concept home in a personal way through your sharing and caring.
In loving support,
Michele
Great questions, Bill…I remember I used to play Queen’s ‘We are the Champions’ – loud! – to celebrate a big challenge. As involved in the music world as you are, do you use it in your life to support you? I’d love to hear; what is the soundtrack of your life?
And to Michele as well, thank you for the feedback, very much. I’m glad. Birthing new books and posting here more frequently…these habits feel more and more like sacred places where meaning, money and beyond intersect in my life…what a gift to hear it means something to you too!
Let’s keep playing full out, shall we? With love and respect…
Alexandria Stoddard writes books on decorating–more on the resultant ambiance than the how-to’s, and what comes from reading her words is a feeling of warmth, nostalgia, and inspiration, e.g., pleasure. Andrea’s introspection and discussion of ritual, along with Bills’ two questions evoked in me the same nostalgic reactions I get from reading books by Stoddard but in the arena of business. We naturally gravitate toward pleasure, so what better way to experience it than to instill pleasurable rituals–daily or in celebration of successes–into our business lives.
Also, I have to say Money, Meaning and Beyond is the greatest idea generator I’ve ever read. If I read it again next month, I’m sure I’ll come up with even more and perhaps better ideas! What a treasure!!
-Gail
Blessings Andrea,
What a beautiful essay here. So life-affirming – love the mendhi designs! When I was Muslim, many years ago, a bride would be hennaed from head to toe and all of her girlfriends would do their hands and feet as well, to “borrow the luck” of the bride. Group rituals such as this form the bedrock of culture.
Your comments on rituals got me to thinking. As a former spiritual circle leader, my life and those of people I coached in that community were all about rituals. Rituals for morning coffee, as well as the usual spirituality-based ones. Rituals bracketed our day – and there were rituals for every possible contingency that might happen during that day. Argue with your honey? There was a ritual for it. Burn the toast? A ritual. Apply for a new job? Another ritual.
And I’m a card-carrying member of Curves myself – which is conveniently (or as part of a satanic plot, I can’t figure out which) located right next door to the Starbucks. And yep, a few times a week I treat myself to a venti iced decaf sugar-free vanilla Americano with extra room for a splash of half-’n-half (splash not to exceed two tablespoons!).
Rituals shape our lives. We wouldn’t know where we were or who we were without them. Joe Campbell says that while all animals practice ritualistic behavior, human beings are the only animals who need ritual to affirm identity. Alfred Korzybski observed that humans are the only animals who bind time, to ritualistically stop it, to preserve the moment. And this is where many of our clients get caught up – in memories of a gloried past or longings for a better future…while the present moment goes to heck in a handbag. Binding time is also one of the pitfalls in ritualistic behavior.
As I left that particular form of spiritual expression, I took comfort in the many personal rituals involved in my business, as I think many coaches do. Rituals such as lighting a candle or meditating before work can be so very helpful, but I notice they’re not the ones that make the most difference. What endures lies in the every day, that which is enjoined by others and repeated with regularity. Ritual expression of culture to a large degree, is communal. Coaching community culture is no exception.
Consider the following:
* The way we open coaching calls or in-person sessions is ritualistic, as are the ways in which we disengage and part company. I have a coach friend who says goodbye to clients exactly three times, in three different ways that always use the same verbiage. When asked, she’s said it’s to disengage “softly” to leave the client feeling well. It’s worthwhile to note she is a coach for Restorative clients. Those in other niches have completely different rituals for disengagement.
* The manner in which we relate to our clients is ritualistic – who knows coaches who are termed “ball breakers” or conversely, “nurturers”? Stereotypes such as these are observations of ritualistic behavior
* Our welcome packets or initial sets of coaching guidelines discussed in-session are expressions of ritual in and of themselves, and are a notification to the client not only of the rituals we will be engaging in with them, but also the ritualistic manner in which we prefer to communicate.
* The structure of the meat of the session itself takes on ritual overtones: first the welcome, then the celebration of wins, then what didn’t work and coaching on tightening up the process, goals tracking and checking benchmarks etc…one topic follows the next in pretty much similar format that forms our coaching “style”.
Style, culture, blog posting, even making coffee – humans are never devoid of their rituals. Rituals enrich our lives and make us who we are. Birthing new ventures, the way we structure our partnerships – all a series of rituals and expressions of the sacred. It’s a blessing to notice that the sacred is never far away, only a turn of our attention. Which can be a ritual in and of itself.
Smiles to you dear Andrea!
Love and Blessings,
Maryam Webster
PS: To share – my celebration song is Santana’s “Everything Is Goin’ Our Way” It’s on the ole’ iPod on constant repeat some days…